We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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