I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
