So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
