If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Randomize
