Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
