i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
