shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
