i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
