you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
