Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
