So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
