It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
