Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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