I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
