just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
