There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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