Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
