He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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