Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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