i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
