Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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