So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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