Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
