So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
