theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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