One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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