He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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