to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
