WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Randomize
