I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
