It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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