I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
