Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
