meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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