If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
