youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You are the jesus of drinking
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Randomize
