I love black thongs
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
