I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
And then my night got REAL pukey
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
