Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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