Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
