He disabled his match.com account in front of me
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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