if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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