wakey wakey hands off snakey
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
