are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
