Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
