sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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