oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
