My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
