I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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