I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
