Nicole vs. Life
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
