Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
