I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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