I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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