Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
