Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
