Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
