You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
