that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
