I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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