I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
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Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
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JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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